past all accident

the drugs don't work

2008-05-19T21:21:00.008-05:00

I've been feeling a little disoriented lately. I am on this medicine that doesn't allow me to drink alcohol, but for some reason I cannot seem to remember that small fact. And I don't really drink much, so I assumed it wouldn't be an issue as I began this antibiotic last week. But lo and behold, twice now I have had a glass of wine and get this: tonight I had two beers. The really bizarre part of my rebellion is that I don't realize that I have committed a crime until way after the fact. It's usually this voice inside of me that comes out of nowhere, knocking me back into reality. "Why did you let yourself do that?" Or better yet, aimed towards Jon Friday afternoon, "why did you let me do that?"The other strange side of this zombie-like me is that alcohol does not cause the medicine to be ineffective. When the two poisons combine, it can make you sick. Stomach sick. And if anyone has known me for a long time, they know that I have a ridiculous anxiety linked to stomach sicknesses. I used to be frightened of spending the night at friends' houses when I was in grade school because I was afraid of ralphing in the middle of the night with no one I loved nearby to wipe my forehead with a warm washcloth (of course anyone can read into my real issue there...). Anyway, I have been lucky so far. I've gotten by with the deadly combination making me only slightly nauseous and uncomfortable. But, the question still stands. Where is my mind? Jon and I were on our way out to our friends' house on the river yesterday, and while running a few short errands while we were still in town, I turned left instead of right onto a main road when I knew I should have turned right. I quickly realized and corrected my error only to drive my car into the wrong lane which was going straight instead of turning again. I discovered a remedy in these situations, but I couldn't understand why my reactions were so far behind my brain's original thoughts. Most people who know me would not classify me as a space cadet, but I can officially say that I have been floating around in that characteristic for a few days now.

Even though I blame the medicine for these mini-strokes (sorry, I couldn't resist), I think this can happen to people when they get sucked into everyday life and the routines of getting through each day. I can't tell you how many times someone has told me they will be driving home from work and they can't remember the act of driving those miles from point A to point B. It's scary when you really think about it. Our natural instincts or programming kick in when our brain checks out. It's hard to keep things mixed up in life, but these unsettling feelings of late have reminded me to try to pay attention. I think it is okay to sort of check out for a bit though too. Maybe our mind is telling us it needs to regroup, to be fed. It can get tired too. Imagine spinning all those thoughts day and night.

Stay off drugs. Haha. No really, I will let you know if things go back to normal once I am done with this pill poppin'.

i'm back

2008-05-13T07:42:00.006-05:00

My crowded brain has been in scan mode the past several weeks trying to land on a blog-worthy topic. And it's not that there hasn't been any noted thoughts or situations; I just haven't blogged. Plain and simple as that. It's almost as if I have had too much to write about and I've chosen the lazy route. Between auditioning for HAIR, furiously preparing for a board meeting and a new assistant at work, and a quick and eventful trip to New Orleans, I've tried to make myself lay on the couch when I can. Well, I guess I didn't have to make myself. It just happened that way. I've been wrestling with a lot of political questions as well. My visit to New Orleans truly gave me a new pair of contacts to peer out of (yes, I am ending my sentence with a blaring preposition). Clusters of ironies clogged up my mind and I was unable to even process any of it on paper (or computer). Still catching myself looking for the waterline on buildings even though I am back in Lexington, I realize that much of what I saw was unsettling. I don't feel as if I am versed enough to speak about the trip in a true political manner, but I know how my heart was affected by it. I know that I looked out my car window to see beat-up tents staking every square inch of concrete under overpasses of I-10. Thinking it might be people camped out waiting to get into Jazzfest, I smirked, and then quickly realized that people had clothes hanging on lines outside their tent. This was their home. This was a community, a neighborhood, and what I learned later, the largest tent city in the South. Some of them even probably had homes prior to August 2005, almost three years ago when Katrina bombed the bowl of the city. I then looked out my other window to see a worn out old hotel building with a massive For Sale signed slapped on the side of it. I wondered how many vacant rooms it currently had.

I also know that I drove slowly through the lower Ninth Ward which now has the appearance of a grassland and an ecology haven. Cement porches stood solo and trash spilled out the windows of a barely standing shelter. Spray paint decorated any blank space. A few people strolled through the streets calmly just as if they were heading to a friend's house around the block.

I know that I ate in one of the only untouched restaurants in the Ninth Ward and felt warm. And it wasn't just the incredible soul food, but it was the people surrounding me. The knowledge of a place that needs to be taught to people.

I know that I ate beignets and watched ginormous barges hauling oil and other necessary equipment up and down the river, while stealing glances at a street entertainer guiding marionettes to blues music, luring children to drop crumpled dollars that they begged from their parents into his open suitcase.

I was also privileged enough to stay in the back house of a beautiful house on First Street in the Lower Garden District and to dance in the rain to the live sounds of Stevie Wonder singing about love and preaching about Obama. A piece of Heaven really. With a side of crawfish monica.

I know that I drank Acme pale ale while sitting on a 400+ year old tree in the park while we caught glimpses of the giraffes nibbling tree leaves in their house at the back side of the zoo.

And I could walk two blocks from where we stayed and see not so heavenly sights. I can't really evaluate or speak facts and figures about what I saw, but I know that I was affected. I know that I learned more than I have learned in a while, especially in one place.

I saw the hope. And all I can really ask is where is the help?

Differing Independence

2008-04-18T14:45:00.005-05:00

I have been reminded upon several occasions lately how lucky I am to have been raised the way I was. I am an only child and quite proud of it. I grew up wishing I had an older brother, but that was an impossible dream really. I have had loads of key "big brothers" throughout my life though. I was raised to be an independent woman. I was raised to think for myself and to always think outside the box. I was raised to not always think like others and I was raised to be the odd man out in many circumstances and situations. I was raised to love people no matter what and I was raised to be loyal. And even though it is difficult to remain loyal to those who have such differing opinions and desires as me, I really try to. I was raised to think freely and to not be swayed by the masses. Some days are hard because I feel like I am perceived as pessimistic about certain issues or situations or that I am playing devil's advocate. Really, I just love to ask questions. I love riding along the waves of my own differing thoughts while I listen to others agree with each other all around me.

Eating lunch today with my mom was my nudge of the day that I am a great thinker. Now I am not trying to place myself higher on a pedestal than other people and I don't want this to come across as a "holier than thou' post, but I am confident that I'm going to be okay in my life no matter what happens. I am confident in my decisions and in the way my heart leads me. Some may not agree with my thoughts or the way I go about certain things in life, but we are all different and I love embracing that, not just in me, but in everyone. Most people would not say that I necessarily am "bold" or that I "stand out" in a crowd, but in my mind and in my heart, I know that I do. And that's all that matters.

The YA Kick

2008-04-16T10:25:00.004-05:00

I have been reading a lot of young adult literature lately and I am totally digging it. I have always leaned toward this genre with my writing and reading it has helped me learn just what "kids" are into these days. There are a lot of really great series out there right now. I just finished the third book in Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series and each book was like a 24 hour drug. Science fiction and fantasy with a realistic twist is definitely the way to go right now. Because I like to relate to the characters and their stories so much, I used to have a hard time reading this genre (I didn't shed enough tears...haha). But now that writers are entertwining these mystical ideas with real life, I am hooked. I have a new obssession with vampires since reading the Twilight series and Jon loves to crack blood and fang jokes constantly now. I am beginning to believe that they may really be out there. I could probably name a few people that I went to high school with that tended toward some of these beautiful and mysterious characteristics.

Now I will say that these books are not extremely literary, but they are well written still. The woman knows how to tell a story. A movie is even coming out later this year, as well as a fourth book. I am curious to see how the film will capture the characters, especially Bella, Edward Cullen, and Jacob Black. I have been allowed to perfectly create them in my own head and I am crossing my fingers that the "moviestars" don't ruin my images too much. Will I like Bella any more in the movie? Will Edward be as beautiful and powerful as her words describe?

Even though I have taken a short break from reading young adult literature (I am currently reading a novel on mountaintop removal), I hope to pick up with a new series or book soon. I like to keep up if I can. I might try this series by Scott Westerfield that begins with a book called Uglies. Call me teen crazy, but not only is it fun, but it makes for spectacular character research. It feels good to read a book in one or three sittings again. I love and miss my bookish childhood, so maybe this is my excuse to be a "kid" again.

The Great Flood of 2008

2008-04-08T13:08:00.007-05:00

Basements are the kind of rooms in a house that can become wonderful and necessary spaces or they can be a living hell. Today, I made a list of the pros and cons of having a basement. It looked something like this:

Pros
-provides extra storage
-houses the stinky litter boxes
-can be a laundry haven
-nice to be able to throw dirty clothes and towels down stairs to hide until I decide to run the washer

Cons
-I can't for the life of me keep a basement clean or organized
-that damn musty smell never goes away
-FLOODS, which of course leads to many other cons such as renting a house in general...not having any control over repairs, etc.

Of course my feelings change with the weather. Our basement was added to the many in Lexington that were flooded this past weekend. The lack of control drives me crazy and I was ready to toss everything in our basement before the water even stopped seeping through the walls and floors. The constant humming of the sump pump rang in my ears at all hours of the day and night as the water ran like the spray from a hose out of a small pipe from the side of our house. This excess water ran unknowingly into our neighbor's yard proceeding to sink and seep, bringing water into their basement as well. Now being a professional renter at this point in life, I have gotten good at throwing up my hands and immediately blaming my landlord. Usually this feels like a good thing because it dismisses any worry that the accident might bring, but this time it gave me the fever to buy soon and to stop throwing my money into a black hole of despair and to irresponsible "slumlords" who have more money than they know what to do with, yet refuse to make their properties fall into line with code. One day I will control over how my house is treated.

I learned that nothing can be done until the water actually stops running and flowing into the basement. Jon and I could go down there and squeegee water into the sump pump and could run 107 box fans down there to cut down on the mold, but we would be running on a never ending treadmill because water continued to bubble from undiscovered holes in the floor and from unseen cracks in corners. It was a waste of our efforst and a waste of Jon's energy as the wet basement only brought about sneezing attacks and a runny nose. Luckily, this weekend also brought our two year anniversary, a trip to the country to see our friends, and Keeneland to get us out of the house and into fresh air.

So, right now I am not in love with basements. But, I know as soon as this mess clears (and the sky clears), I will be in love again, throwing my dirty clothes down there and forgetting to scoop the cat litter because the boxes are conveniently hidden in the comforts of the cat friendly space. I will be able to do laundry again and all of the storage and keepsakes will be transferred to plastic tubs, ridding themselves of their soggy cardboard homes.

This great flood of 2008 has brought along another pro (as cons tend to do after a while). It has encouraged and jump started spring cleaning. I am trying to embrace the basement.

The forecast is predicting more rain this week though. Will I be able to take the good with the bad again? I am still hoping to get off the rental train soon. This third and fourth party shit sucks...

My skin is

2008-04-04T23:21:00.003-05:00

There are many times when I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. These occasions usually come about when I stumble into situations or setups of my history. One would think that knowing those situations inside and out because they were a part of me in the past would make me completely at ease, arms never crossed. But they just make me itch and want to button my coat up and race out the door. I hold on to my memories like a lock box. Many of my friends tell me I never forget. And I don't think I do. Sometimes I wish I did because I tend to play keep away from my past. Not that my past was bad; it was wonderful and I have formed many fabulous characters and stories from it. If those memories didn't tug at my mind, reminding me to never forget them, I wouldn't feel bogged down when I trip up right in front of one. Things change so much and it's like my skin doesn't know how to be in my past in my present.

Inspiration and MTR

2008-04-03T09:06:00.003-05:00

"I'm against not saying anything. I think we have to make people more aware of what's happening. The reason more people are not doing anything, I imagine, is because they think they can't win. They think, 'well, that's the way the world's changing.' And that's the way the coal companies want them to think. They say 'Ah, we're bringing you stores and commerce and such; what do you want with this old country way?' And people believe that. And it's easier for them to not say anything. I think people just think it's a monumental thing, that they won't make any difference. They think they're small and this is large and they think they're not going to get anywhere, that they'll jus tbe beating their heads against a stone wall."--Jean Ritchie, interview, March 11, 2008

Inspiration flooded my heart this past weekend like a clogged drain. I have been genuinely interested in and have read a lot about mountaintop removal, but the leak holes in my thoughts and in my heart had never been stopped up like they were at the Appalachian Studies conference this weekend in West Virginia. The inspiration and the knowledge always kind of washed out of me after each encounter or reading. I didn't think there was anything I could do. Activism had never really been a part of my vocabulary. Not being born in Appalachia or not spending a lot of time in the mountains (which now in ways I wish I had been born there), all I could gain was what I heard or occasionally read about. A few of my old professors at UK were activists in the stop MTR movement, but I wasn't ever sure how to include myself in that movement. After listening to Silas House speak about where he comes from this weekend and getting chills from hearing the details about his interview with Jean Ritchie, the famous Appalachian folksinger and songwriter/activist last month, and after experiencing and learning the words to some of the folksongs so integral to the stop MTR movement, I realized that the key to becoming active is to listen to peoples' stories and to simply talk and defend my opinions on mountaintop removal. It's amazing how many people have no clue what you are talking about when you bring the topic up. So many of us are sealed tight in our ziploc cities and are comfortable with the ease of our lives. Our kids don't have to worry about their schools being flooded with silt run-offs and toxic chemicals from dump sites. Our workdays are not jarred by the bomb-like sounds of blasting or our breathing is not stifled by the smog and flying debris that these gingantic unfortunate machines produce. We are not forced to sell our homes and our land so that coal companies can take them over, ruining our water source and killing any wildlife nearby.

I don't want to write a rant, but I am realizing it is important for me to stand up for what I believe in. I desire to be educated and I know how important it is to educate others. As Jean Ritchie said, "I'm against not saying anything."

a weekend without my men

2008-03-27T12:50:00.006-05:00

I am headed to West Virginia this weekend for the Appalachian Studies conference, It should be a pretty good one. Bluegrass musicians are abundant and there should be lower head counts of tweed coats and bowties than the Southern History conference that I always attend. Silas House is the keynote speaker at a dinner I am going to tomorrow night, so that should be fun. I have talked to him on the phone and through email several times, but have never met him in person. The bonus of this trip is that I scored an executive suite all to myself. Hotel rooms are always fun and make me feel extremely more grown up than I really am, but they can also be lonely sometimes. I do hope the weekend passes quickly, as I always can't wait to get back to the two favorite men in my life! They are my joy.

my characters

2008-03-25T07:15:00.005-05:00

I cry at almost any movie I watch. The t.v. shows that I am most invested in tend to cause tears to blink from my eyes as well. Books are a whole other story, as I fall in love with the mystical figures and creatures. There are times when I think I have a problem or that some sort of emotional disorder has taken over my tear ducts and my throat. But glancing back through the past 27 years of my life, I realize that I have always been this way. Some may think it's because I have a big heart (and a big "thank you" to those that have said that), but I am convinced that it is because I have an obsessive love for characters. I began writing creatively in the second grade. I was disgustingly attached to the Babysitter's Club gals and I would write separate adventures for them on my own. I would write about my animals, placing them in the first person and giving them the human lives I always dreamed they had. I gave life to Christmas trees in my stories as they flailed on the roadsides after the holidays and retold family breakups and deaths in my personal memoirs. I think this is from where my overactive emotions for the publicizing of characters come. A reality is born each time I connect with a story or character, a reality that is present in my past, present, or future. I literally become one with that fiction and bring it into truth in my own life. Even if it is something that has not specifically happened to me or to someone I know, I connect to what it would feel like if it were to occur. My heart rips open when someone that I have "fallen in love with" dies or disappears. My heart explodes with sunshine tears as I watch two people fall in love or graze fingertips for the first time. My eyes glaze over silently as I see or read about a child being stolen or mistreated. I wrestle with characters as they make tough decisions or "do the wrong things." I speak or shout outloud to them in the depths of their weaknesses or during the heights of their joy. I dream about them at night and dwell on them throughout the days. It's almost like I try to live in their stories or create myself into a character. We all are characters though. Our beings inspire what we read or what we watch on the big screen. It's all full circle for me. They inspire me. I hope to begin creating new characters of my own again soon. Expressions of my heart and of my dreams, so to speak.
So if anyone is brave enough to go to a movie with me, watch an episode of LOST with me, or listen to me retell pieces of the books I am reading, I am warning you...

stuff white people like

2008-03-12T15:51:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine recently opened my eyes to a website/blog that I had not yet encountered on my daily internet journeys. And I must say, after reading it, my previous blog about Masters degrees makes me chuckle (there is an entry on obtaining a Masters). It is a fabulous and hilarious read, and I highly recommend that you bookmark it, as it probably applies to your life in some way.

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

It's classic.

Failed and Masterful attempts

2008-03-07T15:11:00.005-05:00

I am not sure where it comes from, but I feel all of this pressure lately to get a Master's degree. I am currently taking pre-requisites for the UK MBA program, which I am realizing in very graphic visions each day that it is probably not for me. I don't think every class needs to be fun or exciting, but I think it is important to feel interested in it. I miss my English and writing classes like crazy when I step out of my "class o equations and income statements" twice a week. But this pressure, I don't know where it comes from. I can only assume it's from me, myself, and I. Master's degrees are like the new Bachelor's degree. Which in the old days, used to be a high school diploma. I guess as the people of this world "advance," I feel as if I need to follow suit. Not many of my friends have their Master's, but some in my family do and most of my colleagues in my office do. I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed, but will having an additional degree advance my success, truly? I honestly don't know. But I am definitely wrestling with it. I think because I am practically failing this current class, I feel left with this aftertaste of "dumbness." I know that I am not unintelligent, but it's that feeling of failure, that I am not "succeeding," that stays fresh in my mind and heart. I feel as if I might get stuck in my job if I don't advance my academic career. But I know that's not necessarily true either. I just got promoted. It's scary being on the job hunt and when that day comes again for me, I am not sure I will feel prepared. Maybe that's why I am earnest about sliding another degree in my back pocket. Options.

My mom got a Master's degree, but I feel as if she already knew exactly what track she was on. If I could get a degree in Publishing, I would. I am thinking of history classes, editing classes, writing classes, etc. I am excited for summer and for the chance to stretch my mind while I am not taking a class. I am ready to explore other options, other possible academic thoughts that I haven't tampered with. I don't have to choose anything. I have time. This unidentified pressure will keep weighing on me, trying to mess with my self-confidence and esteem. I am sure of that. I am ready for a break from it though and to put my whole heart into my choices.

Murphy's Law

2008-03-05T07:52:00.004-05:00

"If anything can go wrong at all, it will."
My dad used to have this framed poster in his old house listing several of Murphy's Laws. I remember reading through them over and over, but never quite grasping what they meant. I would hear people say "Ah, that's Murphy's Law for ya." I never understood why all of these bad things that happen to people are considered laws. I was also young and clueless about confronting the bumps in the road that equal life. As I got older, it didn't take me long to realize that Murphy's Law could actually happen.

Over the past several days Jon and I have both experienced a bit of Murphy's Law ourselves. First, my cell phone completely went dead out of nowhere. It just gave up without warning. I couldn't push any button and or hit any side of that would breathe the life back into it. And taking it into Verizon a day or two later left me with the conclusion that they also could not retrieve any of my phone numbers from my suicidal crutch as well. Now those cellphone salespeople can work miracles time and time again, but it was just not in the lifelines for me. Murphy's Law allowed this incident to take place a week before I got paid, so a new phone was out of the question for my budget. And I could have gotten a free phone you say? Of course not. I am not the primary holder of our family account, so free phones and cool perks are not an option for me. Typical. The bright spot in this was that Jon still had his old phone which I could transfer my number to for the time being. Band-aids tend not to stick too well to my skin.

A few days later came Murphy's Law number two. Jon's 1979 CJ-5 is one of the funnest items in our life. When warm weather hits, the top zips off, and our feet and arms can dangle out the sides as we ride the high road around town. Now, it is an old vehicle that has its issues and sputters from time to time, but luckily Jon is pretty clever at remedying the situations rather quickly. Well, not this time. Driving an extremely lifted Jeep and having the clutch go out was apparently in Jon's cards that day. It started out with some busted hoses that were immediately replaced and then came came the loss of control two blocks from our house. I was in class (which is a whole other bitchy blog)while Jon proceeded to physically push his truck (and steer without power) the two and a half blocks back to our driveway. Now, can you imagine how frustrating this is, especially when you don't have any help? It was a tough and tense few hours when he picked me up from class that night. Luckily sharing a car is one of our strongpoints, but the decisions that come after a broken car aren't. Now, of course it was beautiful this past weekend and riding in the Jeep would have definitely been on our list of things to do. And unfortunately, Murphy's Law won't allow Jon to fix this one by himself. Towing the monster to Campbellsville is the alternate at this point.

Now, here is where the previous "band-aid" comes unstuck. Exactly one week after my phone died, the phone I was using proceeded to die as well. I was convinced it was something to do with the chemical makeup of my body. This time I was able to salvage the few phone numbers I had managed to track down again, but of course it was on a Friday and my Verizon buddy wasn't working until Monday. Murphy's Law number three. And of course, as they say, it gets worse.

On Monday of this week, I ran an errand during my lunch. The day was beautiful, but extremely windy if you recall. I was in the store no more than ten minutes and came out to see a shopping cart rammed into the back side of my car. Now, I have had this car less than a year and I still consider it "new." I can still catch wafts of the new car smell in it from time to time. Well, the wind plus the cart did some significant damage and it is not something I can just pop back out. It left several scratches around and on the spoiler and the back top corner of the trunk is dented in pretty heavily. Now of course this is something that can only truly be fixed out of my own pocket, even though I wasn't even present when it happened. The biggest hurt is the fact that the thing I saved up for and worked hard to get on my own is damaged by no fault of mine. Now of course this never happened to my last vehicle which was given to me. Number four.

I tend not to favor public blogs that spend many paragraphs venting, but I couldn't resist this one. I realize that this is all a major part of life and it's all about how you deal and work through these trials and tribulations. Jon and I are managing fine; better than fine actually, and I know everything will work out (much of it already has). It's just frustrating how damage can come so quickly and without warning. We never expect it. But, good can come just as quickly and unexpectantly. I guess that truly is one of the many definitions, or "laws," of life.

old habits die beautifully

2008-02-21T11:15:00.004-05:00

I used to go to church like it was the bathroom. I used to stand on a stage, swaying and lifting my hands to the ceiling hoping that people would mimick me in worship (while making sure that I could hear my voice and lead guitars in the monitors of course). I used to sing the same lines over and over until it felt like I was chanting in tongue.
I must say there are many parts of the church that I miss these days. I miss the contagiousness of the music and the tunes that I would have in my head for days. I miss the small communities of people I would gather with, and I mean the "small" communities. Not the stadiums of audiences and the mile-long communion lines. I miss the personal times I would take with myself when I wrote a lot more.
I am reminded of these times now because I have been picking up the pen more these days. I have also had some "religious" conversations of late that have been stimulating. Stimulating, not because I want to dive back into that life, but stimulating because of how much I've grown and how much more sure of myself and of my intelligence I feel these days. I also love the beauty of the tradition in churches. I always enjoyed observing the movements throughout the church. I tended to be a back pew skeptic a lot, and I guess I still am, except that I watch more services on television now rather than in real time. Now that I feel like I have come full circle, I love gaining all of the different perspectives and knowledges. Nothing is necessarily wrong or right to me anymore. I just enjoy watching and listening for the beauty in everything.

SAD

2008-02-12T16:51:00.000-05:00

I read somewhere that 6 out of every 100 suffer from seasonal affective disorder (SAD). 10-20% of people suffer mildly from the disorder. At first these numbers seemed alarmingly low. I first thought that I must know all six of these people then! If you have noticed I haven't been blogging,then I must tell you that I am aware too. I blame it mostly on this SAD. I have suffered from it greatly, especially during the last three winters. It is a form of depression, but tends to ebb and flow at the same times each year. My starter month is usually January, soon after the glory of the holidays has concluded. I have always viewed it as normal and have always blamed all of my cop-outs and lack of motivation on the disorder. Today I realize, that I am tired of it. My body was attacked by the flu this year for the first time since I was probably ten years old. Jon and I were both slammed with it and are just now, after a little over a week, coming out of it. And I am still using the sickness as a target for my lack of energy, my desire for the cave of the comforter, and for not walking the dog each and every morning. Now it is true that the flu has had an enormously lasting effect on my body and mind, but there are decisions and motions I can make to climb up and out of it. I am realizing how much I put into few baskets. Why should fatigue and busyness rule my life? Why should I separate and dump everything into those two bins like the recycling? I feel as I have been better about exercising this year, and I feel like I have been allowing myself to read more and think more. And I have been trying to give myself a break more. So why am I still "suffering?" I honestly don't know. I crave some brightness. I crave a weekend get-away. Jon and I drastically rearranged the living room this weekend. Now those of you who remember one of my first posts about my fear of change, especially furniture rearranging adventures, are probably wondering how I dealt with this new shift. It was honestly my favorite part of my weekend. It was just what both of us needed after being sick for a week. It breathed new life into the house that had suffered lock down and was holding in spoonfuls of germs. We even took the television off of the wall. I no longer have to crane my neck to the north to make out the television picture. It is unbelievable how much better it all feels. I even woke up on Sunday morning excited to go downstairs to begin my 90210 ritual in the new living room. So I don't know where I am going with all of this, but I am still going. I am still reading and thinking and sleeping and exercising. And I am still ready for this long winter to flash me the peace sign and be gone.

john jr.

2007-12-21T15:14:00.001-05:00

I will preface this blog by saying that the past two weeks have been the busiest of my life! Between finals, presenting a project at board meetings, planning and throwing a fabulous engagement party, sending out Christmas cards, decorating for the holidays, shopping, and fretting about a possble promotion, I am definitely ready to prop my feet up at home next week.

I woke up this morning with my fabulous dear old friend, John Jr. heavy on my mind. Many of you reading this may have never known John Jr. I met him during my freshman year of college and we really hit it off. John Jr. was a fifty some (I honestly can't remember his age), African American man who was legally blind and suffered from severe diabetes. John Jr., when standing as straight as he possible could, came up just below my shoulders. His milky brown eyes were as alert as they could be and he liked to talk. A lot. Even though he could only see some bright light, he could tell me exactly what I looked like just by feeling my hands and touching my face. He always told me he thought I wore too many rings on my fingers. I began visiting John Jr. at his apartment on Linden Walk and driving him on his errands when I was about 19 years old. His dream was to become a DJ and a turntable master. He used to hang out sometimes at the student center on UK's campus and play music for people. I wish so badly that I could locate some of the old tapes he used to make for me, his hilarious speaking voice interrupting loud dance beats every ten minutes or so. John Jr. didn't have any family and almost solely depended on me and some others for help with groceries, doctor's appointments, and fun times such as lunches at Captain D's (which was always a treat to watch a tiny blind man with no teeth eat fried fish). I will always remember those three hour trips to the Kroger on Euclid, holding his hand and guiding him up and down every single aisle, making sure I grabbed the right soy milk and the fun cereal of the week that he always craved. He was always conscious of the music on the speakers overhead and if a song came on that he liked ("with a good beat"), he would stop in the middle of the aisle, bobbing his little head, tapping his slippered feet, and moving his bony hips to the beat. He had not a care how many people would stare at him. I would just lean on the grocery cart, watching him, and laughing along with him. Occasionally, he would try to reach out for my hand to pull me into his disco moves, but the canned goods aisle never seemed like the appropriate place for me in particular to bust my moves.

John Jr. and I didn't always get along. He was more stubborn than a rooted splinter, and was not afraid to speak his mind about anything. He had a lot of questions about God and religion, as well as the concept of friendship. He expected a lot of his friends because he was blind, and when someone could not get to him right when he called, he would many times throw a tantrum. I spent many hours on the phone listening to him hang up on me or even sometimes contemplating suicide. Each time I would knock on his apartment door, I was fearful of the day he would not open it. A friend of mine and I used to clean out his apartment every month or so for about a year and it pains me to repeat what it was like. He had a service to deliver his insulin shots to him, but he was not so great at disposing of them. John Jr. was also not too big on hygiene and it's no wonder. One afternoon when I pushed aside his shower curtain to clean his tub, instead of seeing soap scum and shampoo bottles, I would always find piles and piles of used insulin needles. He had no place to put them. He also had no way of disposing of his everyday trash, so that was another item that had to be taken care of. And boy did he love to eat, so the amount of dirty dishes and trash was out of control many days. The man could hardly take care of himself. I would give him lecture after lecture about cleanliness and picking up after himiself, but like I said, he was stubborn and depended too much on his friends. There were many of us friends who stopped answering John's phone calls just because they couldn't handle his demands any longer. Many people viewed him as a fun charity case to take on for a month or two, and then they became worn. I didn't always say yes to John Jr, but I tried to not let him down too often. He brought me great joy (and great pain)in those couple of years that I was so close to him.

John Jr. is the only person that I have physically been with when they died. He was in the hospital frequently because of his diabetes, but this last time I knew it was it. There was a group of us gathered at Saint Joe's hospital in his room talking to him. He was caught in a diabetic coma and could not respond, but the nurses assured us that he could hear us. I remember holding his tiny, flaking hand in mine, afraid to sqeeze too hard. His entire body rose with every labored breath and I know a smile made its way on his face when we all sang to him. The pain of his alive body was so massive that I could hardly contain the lump in my throat. I remember a good friend of mine taking me in their arms and it felt so good to hide there for a while in that room. I had never understood what people meant by peace coming with death, but I saw it first hand that night. One of John Jr's last breaths was the loudest and most heartbreaking sounds of my life. Everyone secretly prayed that it truly was his last. And when it was, the look of his face changed completely. All of the strain was gone. A relief flooded his entire body that I can't explain. Several of us stayed for an hour more just to say goodbye to his spirit. Kissing his forehead for the last time, I knew I would never forget this special man. I may have taken care of him for a small part of his life, but he imprinted my heart with memories and laughter that I will cherish forever. He guided ME through the tough years of college by just talking to me and being honest with me about everything. He forced me to get uncomfortable constantly. And I think that the next time I hear a song with a "good beat" at the grocery, I will stop in the aisle and shake my hips and tap my feet for John Jr.

selah

2007-12-07T13:08:00.001-05:00

I love my animals.
Oliver, Selah, and Splendor are my children. I think I am a good "mom" and I am pretty positive they love me in return. I have had my two cats, Selah and Splendor (but responds to Penny) for six years now. They brought me much comfort and company when I lived by myself. They are now living in their fourth house and have learned to share space with an 110 pound dog and a 6 foot 5 boy. One in particular (Selah) has been a problem child from the start. Her name is supposed to mean quiet praise and meditation which couldn't be farther from the truth. I cannot even begin to calculate the money and time at the vet I have spent. I have just allowed myself to come to the conclusion that Selah is special. Here is a quick rundown: she has been throwing up since she was a year old, has frequent "poop" issues,litter box issues, leaky eyes and nose, cat acne, infected ears, just to name a few. She was finally diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Disease which is hilarious to me because I suffer from the same thing. She began receiving steriod shots a couple of years ago which seemed to stop the constant vomiting, but caused to gain even more weight (she was already obese even though she has always been on a strict diet). She had to be put on special food (which is out of of this world crazy on the wallet). Her new favorite thing became using the floor outside of her litterbox as her bathroom space. Yes, some changes in the household brought that on, but I tried very hard and dilligently to make her comfortable and calm throughout every change. Of course, her sister is unaffected by everything and just prefers to chirp like a bird and nuzzle with us. Turns out Selah wasn't able to reach her behind to clean and relieve herself (gross, I know). So I have to take her to the vet every other month or so to have her rear squeezed. It's a disgusting job, but someone has to do it, and it is NOT going to be me. She has also had a nasty infection on her neck that got way out of control and had to be bandaged daily. The point of my story is that Selah has been pooping outside her box again and it hasn't been your normal poop, if you get my drift. I tend to ignore her "ailments" at first because there is NEVER anything seriously wrong with her. It's just her psychotic self, I say to myself. The vet has wanted to put her on kitty prozac, but that is going a little far for me, plus I honestly doubt it will work on her. Please don't get me wrong though, I would do (and have done) anything for her and she LOVES me. She can be so sweet and is a very beautiful cat. She loves snuggling with me on the couch on a cold day, especially when I don't feel well. She is the best talker in town and can always make you laugh with her vocal responses. Well, I broke down and took her to the vet last week and of course they could find nothing wrong with her. They gave her some medicine to stop the pooping problem and sent me on my way. It's been over a week and the medicine has had zero effect. I just get so tired of cleaning up after her, and I feel guilty even saying that. I don't think she is unhappy though. She has the basement almost completely to herself, which she adores, and she has days where she will come into the living room and hang out with us (always a good sign). She just wants to be loved, but it can be hard when she is such a problem many days. Jon and I are convinced that she will outlive the rest of the animals in our house. It's Murphy's Law. I feel guilty complaining about her and I'm sure that none of you really want to hear all about it. I just had to vent a little. Cats are supposed to be easy pets. They usually don't need much. But I've learned that cats are the strangest animals. The are inconsistent and hard to read. I still love them and will probably always have one, but boy do they boggle my mind.

So sorry for all that insane backstory about my cat. Maybe her name really does fit her, but instead of it being about her, it is her asking me for quiet praise and meditation. I will keep trying...

alzheimers

2007-11-28T16:17:00.000-05:00

I'll be honest. I have lacked the motivation (and the time--lame, I know) to blog lately. Work has been pretty durn busy since returning from Thanksgiving break and I have been exhausted. The break was supposed to rejuvenate me and all it seemed to do was exhaust me. Jon and I were busy with family stuff almost every day of the weekend. We did find time to squeeze in some fun friend time as well, but boy was it tiring. Plus I ate more this Thanksgiving than I have in a long time. I am calculating that we attended approximately five different Thanksgiving dinners and they were all delicious, but I look back and can't believe how much I ate. One of my best friends once threw up when we were in middle school after eating her Thanksgiving meal. I always have made fun of her because I could never imagine being THAT full. This year though, I empathize completely (although I did not quite lose my cookies). I'm so thankful for all of my wonderful friends and family members though. It was definitely one of the best Thanksgivings ever.

On another note, a colleague of mine and I were chatting the other day about routines. He mentioned that he had read somewhere that people who tend to do the same things day in and day out are more likely to have alzheimers when they become older. At first this frightened me because as many of you know, I fear change, and I like to try to keep things as even keel and unmoving as possible. I tend to keep my furniture in the exact smae position forever and I usually drive the same routes to places each day no matter what. I'm definitely not as bad as I used to be though. There is another guy I know that whistles the same tune constantly; it's NEVER anything different, always note for note. This study of change-fearing people and alzheimers makes perfect sense though. We get so used to doing the same things, seeing the same people, saying the same things to people day in and day out, that it all becomes blurred. All thought goes out the door. These basic aspects of our day will be the first to be forgotten. Our brains must be challenged. We must change it up to make our days memorable. My favorite routine of my day though is coming home to Jon everyday (or having him come home to me). THAT I definitely do not want to change. BUT, I do think that I will drive a different route home today...

grace to be just who i am

2007-11-14T15:43:00.000-05:00

So, maybe I was wrong about the snow day feeling. I think that only applies when I feel that I have done really well on a test. Accounting is not my bag. And I am not trying to sound conceited or proud, but I am not used to not performing well in school. Of course, this is a different sort of school for me. I haven't taken a math class in 8 years, and I especially haven't taken many multiple choice tests in my life. I probably am not doing as poorly as my mind tells me I am, but I always have raised my personal bar high above my head as if it's some barely achievable trophy. If you haven't gotten the drift that I am hard on myself, I am telling you now. I came home last night feeling quite defeated as if I didn't even know what I was thinking by signing up for classes to work toward my MBA. I have been reminded by many people though that this is just one class. It is my choice, and I am taking it for free. I am not studying to be a full-time accountant (might be my personal hell). I am definitely expanding my mind though, and I think that's what is most important not only to me, but life in general.

I ate lunch today with my 80 some-year-old great great (possibly great) aunt. She is truly an inspiration. We talked about writing, careers, women, technology, cars, education, children, books, shared different views of mountain top removal, and shared family stories. I am proud of where I came from and she reminds me of that every time I see her. It's amazing how much I can have in common with someone of her age. I am not putting down the "elderly," but it is a beautiful thing how two totally different generations can get together and can share and inspire from the heart and soul. She has grown into this independent, brilliant woman who grew up in a glass house of religion, expectations, and class. I admire her bravery and her will to make a difference. I hope to follow in her footsteps in some form or fashion.( I may start rambling here, so I apologize.) The changes this world and this life bring about are huge and fast. We don't always need to keep up with everything new to live in this world. I think we need to always do what is best for us and what expands our hearts and minds the most as individuals. Being willing to constantly educate ourselves should be a goal, whether being conscious of it or not. I must be who I am and love and know about where and who I came from. I must learn to love and accept all the changes around me. They are constant. And I strive to surround myself with what's most positive and good for me. I think I am doing a pretty good job so far. There have been many bumps and I still spot more everyday, but I try to keep my head above them so they do not affect me negatively. I definitely come from a long line of beautiful and inspirational women.

exam

2007-11-13T16:22:00.000-05:00

i have an accounting exam today...and i am not that stressed out. something is wrong...

the feeling i get after finishing a test is similar to that relief i used to feel upon waking up on a school day only to be told it's a snow day. it's the best! so bring on the snow once i finish my exam at 7:15!

winter is coming

2007-11-12T10:29:00.000-05:00

i think winter is definitely coming. even though all the leaves haven't fallen off the trees and the days still warm up enough to go lunch without a coat, i feel it in my bones. i feel it in the drives home from work when it is already dark and i feel sleepy earlier. i sense it in my thoughts of Christmas present ideas and deciding where to put the Christmas tree this year. i feel it in my morning bed when i am afraid to break out of the warm oven of my covers and the cats who bookend my body. i am ready for the "break" that winter brings. i am ready to be holed up at home in front of the fireplace and/or radiant heater. i am ready for the time off of work and the closet cleaning sessions that usually go along with extended time at home by myself. i am ready to brave the shopping malls with my mom and to trap myself in our miniscule kitchen baking cake after cake. as cold and sometimes as sad as winter is, there is something inevitably cozy and inviting about it. and i feel it coming.

i made it home safey from my trip last week. i haven't changed my mind about plane riding: it's not my favourite. but i made it both ways independent of too many bumps and obstacles. i spent most nights in the king sized bed of my plush hotel room watching tv, reading the words of wendell berry, and falling asleep earlier than normal. the conference was a good one. it rejuvenated me and my feelings about my job in a way that i desperately needed. hopefully, better opportunities are around the corner marked by the end of this year. i hope to keep you posted with good news instead of the same old news.

horrors and kleenexes

2007-10-30T15:03:00.000-05:00

I can't remember the last time I had a cold. I am now getting over one and I have been reminded of how frustrating illnesses can be. This weekend consisted of watching a lot of horror movies, going to a fun Halloween party with some wonderful friends, and blowing my nose. Jon has done a FABULOUS job taking care of me. I now can empathize with his allergies more and the numerous boxes of kleenex we go through a month. I am also about to travel by plane to Richmond, Virginia for the annual Southern Historical ASsociation conference. This is my third year in a row working the UPK booth there and I am, as per usual, not looking forward to it. I have been lucky the past two years to travel to cities where I knew someone living there already and that could occupy some of my time. I have never been to Richmond, and do not know a soul there, so no such luck. I plan to make the best out of this adventure. I am most frightened of the plane trip by myself. Yes, I am 27 years old, but it has been at least five years since I have traveled by airplane. Wish me luck!

Here is a pic of Jon and me from the party (if you can't tell, he was a fireman and I was the silly lady in the kitchen that he rescued):

thank you

2007-10-25T13:38:00.001-05:00

Today I was inspired by a good friend of mine to jot down a list of things I am thankful for. I have been struggling with negative thoughts and feelings lately, especially while sitting behind my desk at work, and I have been attempting to push them aside. She reminded me that pushing these negative thoughts away just draws more focus on them because I am not doing anything positive to refocus my attention and energy. I grabbed a blank sheet of paper from my printer and began writing down little (and big) things that I am thankful for. I tried to focus energy on each one to remind myself of those particular grateful feelings for that thing. As I was working on my list, I received an email from a very old friend asking advice about jobs for a friend of his. This is someone that I have not heard from or really talked to in a very long time, and I immediately felt good that he contacted me for advice. My next thing on my list became "old friends."

I really do believe that by creating this list today I am able to channel my energy into better and more positive thoughts. I honestly think that I might not have heard from my old friend if I hadn't begun writing these things down. The effects of being thankful were immediate and showed me even more positives to outweigh my negatives today.

I am so thankful for inspiration.

timeout

2007-10-22T15:16:00.001-05:00

I'm craving fall so badly. I want the pumpkins, the oversized yellow and purple mums, and the long sleeved t-shirt weather (but still with flip flops or chacos). But right now, it's raining. It's really drawing me to want a cup of English Breakfast and my current Wendell Berry book. The work day is almost over and I am ready to embrace the weather and my desire for coziness. I might even leave a few minutes early because I am realizing how important it is to keep myself going right now. Being at work is difficult for me lately and I do all that I can to keep myself stimulated and content, and if that means taking off a bit early to be good to myself, then I am 9 times out of 10 going to do it. Chasing after that inner peace is truly important to me right now. My job is important to me too, and that's mainly why I AM focusing on what is good for me. I think we have to remind ourselves of what our life is about from time to time. And it is about what we enjoy and what speaks to us and what resonates with us most intimately. It's different for every person and it can also change, but it's important to really sit in that. I mean we don't know ourselves completely; we have to learn more and realize more all the time. I don't want to ignore that by turning everything into work and what's next. I am who I am right now, and I must tend to that.

Oh the ramblings I have created today...

productivity

2007-10-19T09:05:00.000-05:00

I look forward to my weekends more than ever these days. I love them mainly because it's the only time I can really spend more then two or three hours at a time at home (besides when I am sleeping). I have time to actually be productive, or at least plan on being productive. Last Friday night, I spent most of my evening cleaning out the basement (yes, on a Friday night). Three and a half hours and four bulging garbage bags later, I let myself relax on the couch for a while. Honestly though, that kind of production is pretty soothing to me. I was by myself, although Oliver and the cats would not let ten minutes go by without licking my leg, nudging my hand with a toy, or laying on a box I needed to go through. I had the new Iron and Wine blasting and I felt totally at peace. It's just what I needed. I love being productive as long as it leaves me with a good feeling, and if I have accomplished something and have maintained a good attitude at the same time, I have definitely succeeded (my attitude is not always the best when I am attempting to get stuff done). The basement is not completely finished, but I have it how I want it for the time being and the cats are satisfied, as it is mainly their lair. The weekend continued with a grass mowing session and a filing bills period. Sounds thrilling, I know.

This weekend I hope to continue some productive behavior. My vacuum broke a few weeks ago (my most treasured household item), so I have been borrowing my mom's for the past few weekends. It's pretty frustrating, especially with the amount of animal hair that tumbleweeds through our house, but my goal is to suck it all up before the big game tomorrow. I am pretty pumped about it and am hoping for high fives all around throughout the afternoon.

Went to the Black Tulip in Midway this past Wednesday for Wednesday Night Dinner. Julie's fiance (that's right) works there and we were treated like queens. If you have not been there, I highly recommend it. I call it my new Harvest (my favorite restaurant in Lexington that is no longer). It was one of the best nights ever.

sinuses and horse races

2007-10-12T09:55:00.001-05:00

Every year, after my birthday, official fall weather plows into October. And I love it, although my sinuses do not. I spend most everyday with a headache of some sort that I accustomed to ignoring. It's just one sign of fall, and I love this season, so I refuse to let an achey head keep me from enjoying the pumpkins and the yellow leaves (my favourites). Yes, I should probably go to the doctor as my mom reminds me of at least once a week, but I have not been a fan of being drugged up lately. It always tends to make me feel not quite myself. I just steal one of Jon's Zyrtecs (or the addicting Exedrin Migraine tabs)and that seems to take the edge off.
Last weekend was a sweat fest, but still fun. Keeneland was the place to be on Saturday, but it definitely was not the day to look cute. My friends and I had on adorable dresses and showed up early to tailgate in the shade. A few hours later we were all holding on to one another for support amidst the heat, the sweat, and the crowd.
People in the crowd (it's the best people watching place in the world)still managed to get drunk even though you could sweat out a $4 beer before you even could finish it. Upon arriving home, I promptly put my pajamas on, locked in the fifth season of Sex and the City, and napped for a couple of hours in bed.
I also got to eat dinner with my grandparents this past weekend. My grandpa is one of my most favourite people in the world. I could sit by him for days and never get bored.

I'm ready for another Saturday at Keeneland this weekend, except it will be cooler in temperature and our family horse is racing! So exciting! Scattin' Emma. She is the 12th spot in the first race. Place your bets!

I have been having dreams with snakes in them a lot lately. Does anyone know the significance of this? It's quite disturbing.

get me outta bed

2007-10-03T08:33:00.001-05:00

i have been having so much trouble getting out of bed lately. sleeping sometimes is more of a hobby than a necessity. it's not depression (i know what that feels like). i truly think it's because i am burnt out. i am burnt out with work mainly. i work so hard and cling to promises and ideas revealed to me that never come true. i am on the patient route, but have lately had little to no faith in people's words there. i feel like i deserve more and mainly am tired of being strung along. i love my job, but i am tired of going and working like i do everyday to receive little reward. life isn't all about money (i wish it weren't anything about money), but getting what you deserve is important to me. i know that i am not the only one...
i need some sort of retreat. a time to write. a time away from work and the little change that goes on there. i guess i need change of some sort.
going back to school makes me tired as well. if you knew me as a full-time student, i was pretty obssessive. i was a full-on nerd and loved every minute. i had to study hard though to make good grades. i am only taking one class right now and it is hard to remember that work is still more important at this point. my class is basically free and it's my choice. but i am not a quitter and i like what i am trying to accomplish. and i am hoping it will help my career. i crave that drive right now. it is definitely lacking because i don't know what i am working toward anymore (at least at the jobplace). i am ready to truly succeed. i am ready for what's next. just give it to me already. have faith in me. i can do it and i can do it well.
i promise i will get out of bed with ease if you just give me a chance or if a new door opens.

the brave one

2007-09-25T09:09:00.000-05:00

There are some movies that cause you to drag your feet while leaving the theater. These movies aren't necessarily bad, but they leave you with little to no good feelings. After an afternoon of "So You Think You Can Dance" marathons and taking Ollie to Veteran's Park, Jon and I went to see Jodie Foster's new movie, The Brave One. I really didn't know much about the movie going into it. We both were just craving a flick and that one was at the right time and appeared to be at the top of the line up. Well, I guess it will be hard for me not to write about the movie without spilling what it's about. So if you want to see this movie, I would not recommend reading the rest of my blog.
Two of my biggest fears in life are car wrecks and having a siginificant other die. This movie contained the latter and it came as such a surprise to me (although the previews tell you that part)that I could hardly breathe in the movie. I tend to cry quite easily at movies (poor Jon) and this one was no exception. Not only did a siginificant other die, but it was in a very violent and exposed way. I couldn't imagine experiencing what Jodie Foster's character experienced. She became a different woman after he was killed and that's what scares me. I have no idea how I would react after a death like that and I do not like to even think about it. I just can't imagine having to piece and start my life over again after losing a person like Jon. Not to say that I am not independent, but he has become such a huge part of my life that I cannot imagine living it without him. I cannot even begin to think about the hollow home I would wake up in and the hurt in my heart as I would shuffle from room to room. What would I do to change? What would I do to move on? Would I truly move on?
My dad lost his second wife to cancer when I was in the eighth grade. I remember the deep and dark sadness like it was yesterday. These are feelings that cannot be easily forgotten, no matter the joy that may come later. I remember going to see the movie Forrest Gump at the theater with him and both of us barely being able to make it out of the building (Dad especially) because of the sadness we felt and related to as Tom Hanks's character stood over his wife's grave. Death is really so sad. It's a wonder to me sometimes that we (us that are still alive) survive the deaths of those we love so dearly. I know we are strong humans, but when you think about it really closely (not that I like to), it's almost unbearable. To spend a good portion of your life so close and intimate with someone, and then to have them disappear forever is completely heartwrenching. Yes, it's a part of life, but I guess it's the part of life that I am afraid of right now.
Sorry this is not exactly an uplifting blog, but it's just how I am feeling right now. Plus, the movie involved a dog, and for those of you that know me, this is just awful for me. After watching movies involving animals of any kind with me, you may get the impression that I hold them higher than I hold humans. I can't help it.
To help get me through the post depressing movie tremors, Jon rented Blades of Glory. We ended our Sunday night with the kind of laughs only Will Ferrell can bring, instead of Jodie Foster tears.

it's a double name

2007-09-18T13:39:00.000-05:00

I have never gone by and will never go by the name Anne. It may seem a nuisance to some, but my parents named me Anne Dean. Yes, there is a space between Anne and Dean and yes, Dean is technically my middle name (my mom's last name), making it a wee confusing for some. There is no hyphen, and yes, the D is capitalized. But if someone yells out Anne if I am walking down the street, I would not think to turn around and look. It's like someone calling me Susan or any other name that is not my own. It's just foreign. It was tiresome to me as a little girl (and still today) to correct people.
"Hi I'm Anne Dean. Nice to meet you."
"Andy? Nice to meet you too." or...
"Nadine? That's a pretty name." or...
"Nice to meet you ANNE."
Sometimes (most times) I just let it go, especially if it is someone that I know I will probably never see again, or if it's an elderly person that can't hear well and it would take more effort than it's worth to make a plea for correction. It's very rare though that someone who claims to know me well calls me Anne, or writes Anne in a note or an email. Even most of my authors at work know to call me Anne, and I have not met most of them face to face. All of my good friends know how I feel about my name and know the history or the importance of it. It's what I was named. I wouldn't seriously call you Ste if your name was Steve. That just wouldn't make any sense, right? There are some "nicknames" for certain names, but Anne is not short for Anne Dean. I'm proud of my name. It's my claim to fame, so to speak. Again, if you are my friend, you just know that about me. I mean, if you know what kind of music your friend listens to or what kinds of food they like to eat, wouldn't you know what their name is?

Sorry this came off as a sort of vent. Some of you know what I am talking about though.

seasons change

2007-09-12T13:34:00.000-05:00

i wore long pants and a zip-up hoodie on my walk with oliver this morning. it felt great. and this weather of late has definitely been agreeing with the animals. it's like they get this new hop in their step, skipping and running around the house as if they just got a bath. i love the changing of the seasons too. i think all of us do. why is that though? i adore the summer and i love warm weather, but as soon as that first cooler morning blows through, i feel excited and refreshed. is it the change? i have difficulty with change, so i am not sure that is it (for me). perhaps it's the newness. it's like a forgotten past that comes back around for a reunion. even though i know when the seasons change, they always comes as a surprise, and usually a pleasant one. newness is something that i hang on to like my last seconds of sleep every morning. once it's gone, i still taste it and crave it like nothing else. newness is something that always fades (ALWAYS) and it can be really sad to me, almost like a death, but things do not end after newness. they continue to grow and change, it's just that we are more accustomed to them and have altered ourselves to let them sit comfortably in our lives. this happens not only with seasons, but relationships, jobs, a long book, a CD, a favorite shirt, dinner, etc. that honeymoon phase (with all these things) feels like the best time. it's new. it's fun. it's easy. it's on the surface mostly. but it's truly not the best. i think my favorite reading of To Kill a Mockingbird (I used to read it once a year) was my third or fourth read. I got it more. i dug deeper. i laughed outloud. even though i knew what was coming most of the time, i was still surprised around certain corners. it's really exciting to think about life this way. newness is something we create and can recreate. maybe i like change more than i thought, but i really just like to hold on to what i've got. but i can do that and change at the same time. when the cold is ready to throw his hands up for the winter season, i don't want to look at another itchy sweater. but now that summer is ending, i can't wait to cuddle up in one. and a fire in the fireplace would be good too.

friends and weekends

2007-08-13T08:43:00.000-05:00

a good weekend overall. it was one of the only weekends where i did not have a wedding activity (which is unlike almost every weekend from here until mid-September). so, i took full advantage of this. friday night is jon's poker night and i usually have a couple of options on this particular night of the week. i can either A) go with jon and attempt to know what i am doing while holding two random cards in my hand or B) hope that one of my girlfriends (or several) want to hang out. now i must say that i am getting to the point where i am understanding and following the game of poker of much better, which in turn allows me to actually enjoy it. BUT, i am still very nervous about really playing. i have to remember that i am still pretty shy about things. this past friday my friend corey invited me over to her lovely apartment to share a bottle of merlot and to talk about life. plus i am trying to give her advice on how to teach her dog blue how to say "i love you" like oliver does (although ollie is not incredibly consistent). it was a great time. i love new girlfriends. and ones that i feel ilke i have always known. corey is definitely one of those girls, as well as all of the wednesday night dinner crew. i was then convinced to go "out" on that friday night (which please keep in mind, is quite rare these days). one of my best friends, emily, was out, so corey and i went to meet her and some other people. it's good to get out, talk to people, and even meet new faces every once in a while. jon even beat me home! it was definitely not your typical friday night. here is a friday night shot with emily.

i spent the rest of the weekend reading and relaxing. mom and joe arrived home from vacation, so jon and i went over to catch up with them. all i can say is that i am definitely not ready to be back at work. i really want to be finishing my book (in beauty by zadie smith) and drinking tea at home.

p.s. this past wednesday night dinner was at my house. i think it was a success. i was pretty nervous as i have never really cooked for nine people before! it was a really fun time though. i am officially a wednesday night girl now that i have opened up my home. it was sarah's last night in town (moving to athens, ga for grad school) and she made us all special gifts. aprons! it was a wonderful surprise!

swimming

2007-08-07T13:47:00.000-05:00

i am a swimmer. and no, i don't mean the kind of person that is on a team and lives in the swimming pool everyday of the summer. i swim in my thoughts. constantly. i have trouble truly letting them go or accepting that i can't change some things. *i read something very similar to my following sentences in a lovely blog that i read regularly (promise i am not plagerizing...just completely relating and envying the words she used to describe these feelings). lately, i’ve noticed that my default mode is complaining, whiny and terribly judgmental. i seem to reach first for the ugly thought. I wake with a fist of fear in my chest because i know this is not who i really am. My internal dialogue is a stream of what I don’t like, what I don’t want, what I don’t understand. how do we deal with this sudden change in attitude or behavior? how can people be angry one minute and incredibly sad the next? is this something we learn from our families? our surroundings? media? it can be so challenging to consistently keep ourselves in positive thought. there are some people in our lives that just give us a bad feeling. we can walk in a room and get that terrible and disappointed feeling. negative atmosphere. people commiserating together. we can feel let down. i am thankful for this "bad" feeling i get when in this situation though. it's a warning to remove myself from the situation. it's a tool to direct myself to safe passage. it is difficult to sit and ponder in the good moments. and i have lots of those. but i tend to dwell on the bad moments or those i wish i could change. it's like junk food. it feels good to feel bad sometimes. i think the key is just to notice more. noticing something pulls you back to reality or can pull you away from the bad thought. i need to swim long laps instead of treading water. working those muscles will help me not sink.

summertime and the livin' is easy

2007-06-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

okay. this is ridiculous. i have GOT to be better about this blog thing. i really have no excuse. i mean, i have been busy as hell with work and with being social, but i still should be putting some time in this thing. i think my main problem is that i read several other people's blogs on a regular basis and they are so much more intersting than mine (especially graphically speaking). i need to make it a goal for the summer, but i am afriad to even do that, as i might not achieve it.

so anyway, work is insane. but good. i am working hard hoping for a promotion by the end of this year (and a new office i pray). i love my job, but it is about time i got a little more of what i deserve, and i am not just talking money...just position mainly. change is on the way!

i had dinner last night with the best group of girls and i am really excited to get some good chick time back in my life. i have A LOT of trust problems with girls and i find it hard to consistently be friends with many of them. i have reconnected with some of my childhood friends over the past few months and it has been awesome. this group of girls meet every wednesday night for dinner. it is at someone else's house every week and the host cooks and all the girls bring a bottle of wine (and believe me, no bottle is left by the end of the evening). it was so good to talk about girl things and just to "be," plus the food is to die for. i hope my meal is half as good as lucia's was last night (baked salmon and spaghetti squash...mmm). i have good feelings about the rest of this summer. vacation is in a week and i can't wait to walk on the beach with jon. i can't wait to sleep in, read two or four books, sink my toes in the sand, burn the top of my ears, and ride my bike everywhere!

walks and whistles

2007-06-08T10:56:00.000-05:00

boy, have i been busy. i am so eager to get back to the things i love: spending good time with my j, running, WRITING, and reading on the porch. as many of you know, i was the maid of honor in one of my best friend kelsey's wedding this past weekend. it was a beautiful affair. but it was quite exhausting. that is all i will say. i have not had a chance to go through all of my pictures yet, but i have posted a few of the photographer's pics.

on a non-wedding note: i walk the dog oliver a mile almost every morning. this is something that i do without thinking, without looking in the mirror, without brushing my teeth. i get up, use the bathroom, put on some loose clothing and my walking shoes, feed the cats, get ollie, and go. it is one of my favorite times of the day because i can just think and if i need to speak aloud, ollie will listen and won't care if what i have to say weighs more on the meaningless or "not smart" side. there are tons of dog walkers and runners in our neighborhood, so the occasional hand waves from across the street or "good mornings" are mumbled under non-brushed teeth. oliver is so large that many people cross the street with their dogs to avoid passing him. i think this is a little rude because oliver is one of the friendliest dogs i know. and most of the time, he won't even pay attention to people or dogs even if they are standing right beside him. he has his own agenda and i admire that. i usually don't allow myself to be the one to cross first just in case we come across someone who is not afraid to be different and to stay on the same sidewalk as us. but every single time, they cross and i just wave at them when they make it to the other side of the quiet street. their loss. oh well.

two mornings ago though, a truck hauling various lawn equipment passed us on our walk and whistled. WHISTLED! at me. at 7:30 a.m. and it wasn't just a short whistle to get my attention. it was that classic cat-call whistle that i think is so silly in general. this doesn't happen very often, especially in our neighborhood. i almost had to stop because i was laughing so hard. ollie just turned around and gave me that look that he loves to give me on walks, which i translate into, "oh mommy, you're so funny."

weekend wonders

2007-05-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

this past weekend mainly consisted of looking for wedding presents, sending out e-vites for a bachelorette party, and attending a wedding that was more like a high school reunion. what has my life come to?

i'm kidding. i love all that stuff, but let me tell you, it is D-R-A-I-N-I-N-G. it definitely makes me think about running away whenever i decide to get married. screw all the people. haha. no, but seriously, it can totally mess with your psyche. i tend to take on too much; allow people to throw everything they don't want to do on me; or i just do it all. i know i can get it done, but i also try too hard sometimes. it's that perfectionist in me. damn her.

the wedding i went to this past weekend was fun, but a bit overwhelming. i seriously saw people that i had not seen since graduation in rupp arena, 1999. jon dutifully went with me and was the best sport ever. i love having a best friend and a boyfriend that gets along with everyone so well.

after the hoopla on saturday, jon and i spent sunday playing with oliver (long overdue, according to ollie) and we planted some tomato plants and catnip for the girls, which has become yet another excuse for them to constantly be outside. i love that they are living it up in the outdoors, but i wish they would start depositing out there instead of in the dreaded cat box down in the basement. they have also yet to catch any wildlife, although i have spotted their feeble attempts from the back door while making dinner.

in other backyard news, we do have a groundhog that lives out back and he moseys out of his hole every once in a while if the yard is vacant. i mistake him for splendor almost everytime because of their similar markings and color. he is totally adorable though and i hope we don't scare him off permanently. i think oliver wishes they could be friends.

excluding girls

2007-05-17T08:34:00.000-05:00

girls are tough. i have had many "groups" of girlfriends and i tend to get disappointed for some reason. i just do better one on one or maybe i just expect too much. or vice versa (which i think may be more accurate). i had a group of girlfriends in college and i felt like i was always in a situation where i had to fight to be included. i got worn out. girls are very competitive i have found out, whether they think they are or not. many of us secretly crave attention and that feeling of total inclusion. i think this makes relationships with gals very interesting and challenging. many of us tend to form bitterness toward each other if our friendship changes or grows apart. this makes sense, but then i also think girls should just have an understanding with each other. some of my very best friendships are still strong because of this feature. i guess it goes along with that unconditional love theme. my closest girlfriends are those that i can pick up where i left off even if i haven't seen or talked to them in days, months, or even years sometimes. i am secure in saying that i am a lot different now than i was in college and high school. i think everyone can safely assume that about themselves. i adore how i have changed though. i adore how i am growing into a mature woman and i adore how much i am learning everyday. sometimes doors close, especially with people, and it can be a difficult change to accept. i know i try to please people way too much and i am sensitive to being "left out." i follow my own path though, which may be one reason i sometimes feel "left out." at least i try to. it's easy to follow the paths of others and it's also easy to be disappointed when things don't work out the way others see them for you. but following your own path is important. i feel much more intelligent because of it.

on a side note: i saw a bumper sticker on the way to work this morning that said 1.20.09-Bush's last day. that makes me happy.

meetings, flowers, and slingshots

2007-05-04T09:15:00.000-05:00

so, it's been a while.
this past week at work has been crazy. four times a year we have board meetings where the editors present book projects to the editorial board in hopes of gaining approval for publication.we have our meeting next week, and therefore have been preparing the packets for each individual project. it is quite a tedious process. between my boss and me, we are taking and presenting ten projects. i have four! i have never presented more than one before, so it's a bit nervewracking. i also had to write the staff commentaries for all of these projects, which are like summaries and highlights of each project. phew. but now, the packets are in the mail and all i can do is prepare and wait for the meeting day to come...

so, it's also derby weekend and the sun has not come out yet! i am pretty positive it is supposed to rain all weekend actually. my grandmother, Pep, who passed away a few years ago used to always plant all of her flowers on Derby weekend, no matter the weather (even if there was that one more frost in may). my plan was to follow this tradition. i hope to wake up saturday and go get some geraniums and some impatiens, and i saw a really pretty mandevilla at kroger yesterday that i want to put out on our back porch. hopefully the squirrels won't get to my flowers like they got to my grandmother's. i had never seen her so mad. armed with a slingshot, she would rid the adorable (to me, not to her) pests from making homes in her flowers. it was actually pretty hilarious.

i also hope to have a veggie garden too! now that i actually live in a pace with a yard, i won't have to plant my tomatoes in pots anymore. wish me luck! any advice you can give me, i will treasure!

a MUCH needed sunday

2007-04-25T14:58:00.000-05:00

we went to the gorge this past sunday and it was as hot as summer. it felt great! it was our first "trip" in the jeep and i got so sunburnt. oliver was in heaven though. he does so good riding in that thing. he was the best hiker/climber of us all. his favorite part was jumping off a 6 foot vertical slope into the water (log in mouth) and taking mud baths. here are a few pictures from our sunday escapade.

the last kiss

2007-04-20T23:46:00.000-05:00

i just watched the movie the last kiss. for the second time. how can someone watch this film and NOT relate to it in some form or fashion? i can view my life sometimes as being all planned out. "no more surprises," as the michael character in the movie says. to people like me, this is bliss. this is control. this is having my shit together. this is finally knowing i will be okay. but to many (and i've learned, to me as well) it's scary. it's IT. i think it's very important to recognize that we can't be in control 100% of the time. are we making the right decisions? will it all really work out? no one wants to set themselves up for pure disappointment. what you feel only matters to you. we can do a lot to those we love that we don't want to do. and i think it's these things we do that really matter. as i slowly (i know it's not actually slowly) creep toward thirty, the "rules" of life press upon me. many of us think the end of our freedom is looming above us like a black cloud. we are afraid to have to let go of our youth. i have felt like several of the characters in the movie. i have felt naive and young like kim, confused and searching like michael, together, blissful, but had the rug whipped out from under me like Jenna, ready for something exciting and new like izzy, and that emptiness of failure and longing like Jenna's mom. we all face doubts. we all are afraid that we might miss something in life if we settle down or make the wrong decision. we never know until we try though. again, what we feel only matters to us. it's what we do with that, that truly matters. we do have to grow up. we do have to make some tough choices. and we have to surround ourselves with people we love. those are the ones that will stick. we can still be young and together at the same time. here's to our late twenties! here's to doubts, serious relationships, buying houses, buying cars, getting married, having babies, moving up in our careers, and being scared!

it's about damn time

2007-04-20T09:49:00.000-05:00

so long sanjiya, old pal. you were a good sport as you were nothing less than crucified for the past several weeks on AI. hope you're holding up. at least now some peoples' lives can go back to normal. i hope the girl who was on a hunger strike during your reign has devoured the biggest feast of her life.

concentration station

2007-04-17T14:28:00.000-05:00

do you ever have those days or moments, when you cannot focus or concentrate at all? i have had a consistent twitch in my right eye for four days now. they say it's stress and fatigue related...all i know is that it's driving me crazy. this lack of concentration doesn't have anything to do with my job. there are just days when you have absolutely no desire to work, whether you're madly in love with your job or not. i'm just ready for the warm weather. i am ready to be outside. i feel so trapped sometimes in this office. my computer is acting up here and they want me to rearrange my office so the cords do not get so strained. this would require for me to turn my desk and face the cubicle wall, which would make everything closer to the ONE electrical outlet in my space (a major downfall of having offices in an old house). this turns me away from the window completely and allows for people to creep up behind me when they enter my office. i can't handle it. there's got to be a better way. get me some longer cords dammit! i need a vacation. i need some freshly picked flowers. i need the dog park. i need sweet tea. i need it to warm up so i can wash my new car.

i didn't mean for this blog to be a vent necessarily. but i needed a place to put my words that were literally bursting. it's finally beautiful outside, so i may cut out early for my sanity. i am pretty certain i deserve it. i hope to post pictures from this weekend soon!

no strings attached

2007-04-16T09:21:00.000-05:00

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”--Tom Robbins

What a relief.

We must pledge to help each other.

I went to a wedding this past Saturday (the first of several this season). The couple wrote their own vows which is always a cue for me to transform into a complete waterworks. I was not alone though. The words got to everyone. They were raw. They were exposed. They were honest. The couple announced that they are ready for whatever is next. They want to experience the rest of life together. Everyone says this, but do they all really know what is coming? No one does really. We have to really work to care and be there for the person some days. There are days when one of us may want to punch a hole through the wall and the other person is there to see. Complete understanding is not always a consequence. An open heart will allow one person to hold their hand out to the other collapsed on the floor in shuddering emotion. They are able to pick up, dust off, and guide the other through the blind parts of them. Roles can reverse in a second and thats when you know that there are truly no strings attached.

I love you for free.

miss responsible

2007-04-06T10:06:00.000-05:00

is there a certain time in life when we are supposed to become more responsible? i kind of feel like i have always been sickeningly responsible mainly because of the way i was raised. but i look at many people around me that are my age or older, and i wonder if i grew up too fast...

or maybe i was just raised to believe i have to take care of everyone, especially those less responsible than me.

i think i fast forward a lot in my mind. i set many silent goals. all these things are great, i know. so what's my problem? do i allow myself to enjoy the right here and right now? do i let myself be spontaneous from time to time? not really. and i find myself bothered when others do this. am i jealous? am i just worried about their future? probably so. i definitely know this: i take it all upon myself too much.

i want a lot for myself and for my life. and i don't believe i ask too much of myself really. i can have fun and still be miss responsible, can't i? i think i probably already do that.

i don't want to sound like i think i am better than others. that's not it. i'm really just rambling. i think i just get tired of worrying about others. grrr.

the pursuit of happyness

2007-03-29T08:57:00.000-05:00

the time to be happy is now. the place to be happy is here. the way to be happy is to make others so. -robert ingersoll

i found this quote on a photographer's blog that i keep up with and it truly inspired me. so many people write happiness off as a simple feeling, something that does not last, or something superficial. right now i strongly disagree with that. i love happiness. it is a feeling; many are correct about that. but i think it's a lifestyle as well. i think it's a choice. and i know it's contagious. i've been thinking about it a lot mainly because it has now been officially Spring for a little over a week now. the changing season is an instant cure for the seasonal affective disorder that pollutes our house for so many winter months. i think even the animals suffer from it. one of my cats, selah, represents the face of feline depression and psychosis, and even she is smiling these days.

i want to hug more. i want to smile more. do people find this annoying and cheesy? probably. but i am feeling that springy cheese full force right now. and i am embracing it. airing out the house has been simultaneous with airing out my stagnent winter self. you should try it.

today i am thankful for running into my good friend kenny at breakfast. i am thankful for my amazing boyfriend. and i am thankful for big investments.

here is one of my favourite pictures of jon that has made me smile lately:

teach your children well (about buying cars)

2007-03-27T08:26:00.000-05:00

test driving a car is important. it applies to so many other life issues and what we must "test" before investing in. when we first insert that new key into the ignition and start the vehicle up, those butterflies (much like they do in a new relationship) begin flying about inside the belly. the new smell of the leather, vinyl, and all other relevant and exciting car smells overwhelm our senses. after driving the car for a few minutes, we realize that these brakes are better than what we have now and the motor is definitely quieter.

our next thought is simple: we want this new car.

i am buying a new car because i think it will be more reliable. why is that though? because it has less miles? because it is still under warranty? or because it just feels damn good to have a new car? it will need servicing just like any other vehicle. it will eventually need new tires and new brakes, which always tend to break the bank, no matter your financial situation. it very well may break down one day and need a new water pump, or all other kinds of pumps hidden underneath that mysterious hood. these things will happen and i cannot let the smell of the new car and the crisp and quiet sound of the new doors closing and locking, mask the reality of the bumps on the road ahead of this investment. as long as i have these things in the back of my mind though, i think i am ready.

and yes, i am going to make another relationship comparison here:

or maybe you could just make it yourself...

here is what i am learning though (which is more than i ever thought possible, by the way): when investing in something new, enjoy and smell its newness. that's why the newness exists. keep a separate fund on the side for unexpected repairs though. they will pop up and you must build up the strength to be able to work through them, no matter the severity of the circumstance. life is short, and even though these things will happen, i want to drive the hell out of it and have a blast. it still is the same car you bought brand new. it just is more a part of you now and perhaps a bit worn. comfortable.

remember: they do sell scents now to bring back that "new car" smell.

this will be mine in just a few days (except in black)...if you want a ride or if you just want to smell the "newness", give me a holler!

changes come

2007-03-26T08:46:00.000-05:00

i don't think i have ever realized how important change is. i have a fear of change, down to the books on a shelf. i will never forget coming home one saturday afternoon to our living room completely rearranged. half of the books were in another room and the remaining were now organized by colour and some cloth copies naked and jacketless. the couches were in an open arrangement and my jon was sitting comfortably amidst this great and alarming change. i laughed nervously trying to play it off like i was secure, but inside, my calendar of routine was bleeding. after a few quiet seconds, i let he who craves change have it. i refused to even sit in the room that whole first night. i had suddenly reverted back to my 10 year old self. i knew i had a problem (and still know that i do). three weeks later, the living room is still the same. comfort is oozing its way back into the space. and i am working it into my new internal routine. and i am learning.

comfort is important, but it can also make us forget the realities of life. i take so much for granted when i am completely comfortable. my routine costumes me and can mask my heart as well if i am not careful. my relationship need not be costumed. it needs to roll around in the hay and laugh, and accept when things get moved around. because these changes will truly make life and love totally worth it.